Dialogue Featuring a Hammer

A: What’s that you’re doing over there?

Z: I’m building a house.

A: Are you sure? It doesn’t look like you’re building a house.

Z: What’s it look like I’m—

A: It looks like you’re just sitting there next to a pile of wood.

Z: No, no, no, you’ve got me all wrong. It looks like I’m just sitting here next to a pile of wood, sure, but really I’m building a house. I’m… I’m trying to build a house. I’m trying really hard.

A: Well, why don’t you—

Z: I mean look, just look right here, I’ve got a hammer and everything! And, and some nice nails. See the nails? And a bunch of wooden boards… really nice wooden boards, too. Can’t you see how hard I’m trying to build this house?

A: You don’t build a house by sitting next to a pile of wood.

Z: But isn’t it a nice hammer? It’s all red and has those nice prongs you use to pull out nails, and, and everything! Isn’t it just such a nice hammer?

A: It’s a very nice hammer. I’m sure someone who was really serious about building a house could put it to good use…

Z: What? What did you say? Sorry, I was busy admiring these nails.

A: I said, “I’m sure someone who was really serious about building a house could put it to good use.”

Z: What’s that supposed to mean? Why, this is a scandal! Why would you say that? Why would you ever say that? How dare you even imply I’m not serious about building this house?

A: I never said you weren’t serious about building your house.

Z: You were thinking it.

A: You don’t know that. It could have just been a slip of the—

Z: It wasn’t a slip of the tongue, it wasn’t and you know it! You know it, and I know it, and you know I know you know it, and, and all of that! How could you?

A: Settle down now, you’re making a scene. People are starting to look over here and everything. You have to keep up appearances, old boy, you don’t want people to get the wrong idea about you or anything, at least nothing worse than they already do. So why don’t you just—

Z: “Nothing worse than they already do?” You mean they’re already talking about me behind my back?

A: Well… erm… well, let’s not jump to any conclusions or anything, it was only a couple of people after all. Plenty of time for you to prove them wrong. Now why don’t you just—

Z: What did they say?

A: They said—

Z: I bet they hate me.

A: Ahem, they said—

Z: I bet they think I’m weird.

A: Well, would you just—okay? Okay then. They said—

Z: I bet they think I’m pathetic.

A: Oh, for the love of Christ will you just stop that! How is anyone supposed to talk to you if you’re only thinking about how they probably hate you?

Z: Gosh, why didn’t you just say I was bothering you? I didn’t mean to, I mean, that’s the last thing I would want in the world! So… what did they say?

A: Well, for one, they said you worry too much about what other people think.

Z: Oh, oh wow! I should stop that. Now that I know other people think I care too much about what they think of me, I should stop caring at all. Because that’s what they think.

A: Well… well. You know, they also said you’re never gonna finish building that house.

Z: What? How dare they even think such a thing!?! It’s, it’s an abomination before God, it’s, it’s blasphemy, it’s heresy! Who are these people, I want their names, I want their names and I want the names of everyone they know. Not just that, I want the names of everyone they’ve ever met! This will not stand! This is the worst thing that could ever happen, oh, it’s a disaster, a catastrophe… oh, this could only happen to me…

A: Come on now, quit your wailing. Sit up. Quit pounding your fists on the ground, it’s not dignified. Okay? Okay.

Z: But this is so—

A: Come on, calm down now, old boy. Breathe. That’s it, just breathe. Just breathe in…

Z: Innnn…

A: And out.

Z: Ouuuuuuuuut.

A: Just keep doing that, in… and out. Do you want some animal crackers and a juice box or something? Because I have some right here, if it’ll help.

Z: No. I don’t want it.

A: Really?

Z: Well… yes, I want it.

A: Here you go, then.

Z: Thanks. I always have a little trouble with these juice boxes, you know. Like, with the straw and everything, it’s just so complicated, you know? But… there! Now, would you look at that? Almost perfect, if I do say so myself. Take a look at that, are you seeing this?

A: Yeah, I’m seeing it. You sure know how to handle a juice box. Julius Caesar himself could take pointers from you…

Z: Hey! There’s no need to be so hurtful about it. Let me just drink my juice and eat my animal crackers and everything will be all right. Ohhhh… doesn’t that just figure?

A: What?

Z: The animal crackers are all crumbled up. Look, they're ruined!

A: They’re not that bad, and anyways—

Z: More like animal crumbs than animal crackers, no wonder you tried to palm them off on me. Some friend you are!

A: I don’t understand how a human being could possibly be such a, such a… Well, anyways, do you want the crackers or not? Just give them back if you don’t want them.

Z: No, I don’t want them.

A: Really?

Z: Well… yes, I want them.

A: Okay then… Feeling better now, with your crackers and juice?

Z: A little. It’d be better if the crackers weren’t all broken, but I’m doing all right, considering.

A: So… how about this house you’re working on, then?

Z: You just don’t understand how hard it is to build a house! It’s complicated, it’s like, so complicated. And there’s all these things you have to think of and stuff you have to do. It’s pretty much impossible to build a house, you know, unless you’re super lucky.

A: Plenty of people have built houses before, old boy.

Z: Oh, you’re just getting on me because I have anxiety so bad. I have this terrible anxiety, and you don’t know what it’s like, nobody could ever understand what it’s like! It’s not easy to live with, and everything is so scary and so complicated and, and, and…

A: Chill out, just… just chill out. Sip your juice, and you’ll feel better.

Z: I hear voices in my head too, sometimes.

A: You… you do?

Z: A little. They argue with each other a lot too. But don’t worry, I’m not crazy or anything, because I’ve managed to turn them to creative uses. Or at least I try, it’s just so terrifying sometimes.

A: Quit joking around, you’re exaggerating too much. Surely it can’t be so bad as that?

Z: I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’m just making it up, and sometimes I think it’s real. I mean, I was so sure a minute ago, but now that you ask me I’m not sure. Maybe I’m faking it? But why would I fake it? And even if I did, how would I ever fake it so well that even I believed it most of the time?

A: You’ve got to keep it together, old boy.

Z: But how am I ever gonna do that? Everything is so overwhelming.

A: Just build your house.

Z: But I can’t do it? What if I can’t do it? There’s so much to do, and what if it’s not any good when I’m done? What if the wind blows it over or people throw rocks at it? What if it’s terrible and I don’t like it when it’s done?

A: Then build another one. Try again. You’re a clever guy, you’ll get the hang of it.

Z: It’s just so much easier to have it all there in my head, just to imagine how wonderful it could be. But actually making it real? What if the walls are crooked? What if the doors don’t fit? What if the windows fall out? Oh, why does the world have to exist… why can’t it just be the idea of the world?

A: No. Don’t get all philosophical on me, kiddo. You can justify anything once you make it into an abstraction, I know that. I know you. I know what you do.

Z: But what do I do now?

A: Just take your nails. And start hammering.