We’ve
all had paranoid thoughts at some time or another. You know, that coworker who’s
just a little too nice? That guy’s
got bodies in his basement. Or those people whispering just a little too
quietly for you to make out what their saying, out on the sidewalk or maybe
over in the next room? They’re definitely talking about how they really don’t
like you at all, or at least making fun of the way you walk and the way your
eyes don’t line up quite right. Your best friend? Only puts up with you because
you make them look taller in public.
I mean let’s be honest, who doesn’t go about their daily business
with the constant conviction that everyone they meet is part of a massive
worldwide conspiracy to kill them or lock them in a little box or maybe just
laugh at how clueless they are? Not that I’ve ever had any experience of this
kind of thing personally, it’s just something I’ve heard about. (I would like
to take this opportunity to announce that I am a perfectly well-adjusted
individual and the world would be a much better place if everyone was exactly
like me.) In the wide range of human affairs, paranoia is probably an extremely
rare phenomenon that only happens to people in horror films, third world
nations, and the state of Ohio. Still, in the event that I’m wrong, I’ve
prepared this Complete List of Wonderful Ways to Deal With Your Paranoia.
(Disclaimer: this is all wonderful
advice and everyone should do exactly what I say.)
Complete List of Wonderful Ways to Deal
With Your Paranoia
1) Declare War on the Human Race
This effective
little trick comes in handy when you wake up in the morning to realize that the
world you’re living in is inhabited by hordes of crawling vermin who are
determined either to touch you or make you become one of them (both equally bad
and not necessarily mutually exclusive). Those crazy humans, what’ll they think
of next? You were just living in your own little world, thinking about death,
and now you’ve got this bunch of humans in your face, demanding recognition and
politeness and generally infringing on your personal autonomy. What’s a
paranoid to do?
Now, if you happen to be in a position where
you wield political power, it should be easy enough to get some of your humans
to round up the other ones into camps, where they won’t be any trouble provided
you give them the right treatment. Other countries find out? Not to worry, just
drop a couple warheads on your least favorite country and let the chips fall
where they may. (If you don’t have
political power, you’d best stick to the small scale stuff, and move quick
because you never know when Gun Control might happen!)
2) Find Someone to Blame
Feeling worthless
and insignificant? Do you sometimes wonder if you’ve made poor decisions in the
past and need to address them? Do you have a nagging thought in the back of
your mind that you’re always trying to get away from but can never avoid for
very long? Does the thought that you might be responsible for your own problems
cause overwhelming anxiety and make you wish there was somebody big and strong
who could just take it all away?
Not to worry! Just
find a group of people you don’t understand or know very well and blame all of
your problems on them! Wait, did I
say blame them? No, that’s not what I
meant to say at all! I meant to say, “It’s completely their fault that anything
bad has ever happened since the beginning of time and if we just build a wall
to keep them out you’ll be able to live a wonderful and happy life and everything
will be like it was in the Good Old Days.”
Not sure who to
blame? No problem! Just think of the worst thing in the world, all the nastiest
and most anti-social things a human being could be, and the first word that
pops into your head will be the name of the group. It doesn’t do to think about
these things too hard, so it’s best to just go with your gut. You can even
invent a group that goes across all class, ethnic, or gender lines if you like!
That way the enemy can be everywhere and the fact that you don’t like a person
automatically makes them into the worst sort of human being imaginable.
3) Medicate Yourself, or Get Someone to do it
for You
Does all of that
hate sound like too much work for you? Do you wonder if maybe people really are
good after all, but you just can’t deal with them because you can’t deal with
yourself? Well, my friend, have I got the cure for you! Just anesthetize yourself
with chemicals so all those bad thoughts go away. There’s plenty of cures on
the market tailor-made for people in your condition, and some of them are even
legal.
Sick of waking up
every morning so hung over you can’t think? Feeling ashamed all the time
because you can’t function semi-normally without getting loaded? Not sure where
to find the nearest drug dealer? No problem! Just head over to the nearest
psychiatrist and they’ll hook you up with just the prescription you need. And
if you’re worried that you’re too sane to warrant treatment, never fear; as
long as you show up, your friendly neighborhood psychiatrist can find something
wrong with you and offer just the right medication to mask your symptoms
without touching any of those nasty “underlying causes.” Then you won’t have to
feel ashamed anymore—it’s not your fault, and you’ve got a diagnosis to prove it!
4) Keep Yourself so Busy You Can’t Think About
It
I’d write more
about this strategy, but I just don’t have time today. Maybe I can squeeze some
editing in sometime later? I hope you understand, I’ve just got a lot on my
plate right now.
5) Decide that You’re God
You’re in the big
leagues now, bucko! It’s not that you’re an insignificant little worm that can’t
deal with the real world or that you wrap yourself up in fantasies so you can
keep up the courage to keep on breathing, it’s that you’re the Grand Architect
of the Universe and you just haven’t realized it till now! No wonder you
secretly thought the world revolved around you all your life… it really did revolve around you! Now all you’ve
got to do is declare yourself to the world and everyone will immediately
recognize your omnipotence and kneel down to worship you. And if they don’t?
Well, that’s nothing a few lightning bolts can’t handle…
6) Dedicate Yourself to a Cause
So: you’ve got
problems that you don’t want to deal with, but don’t want to look inside to find
their real source? You guessed it, that’s no problem either! It’s society’s
fault, not yours, and if you just work hard enough to fix society your personal
problems will all solve themselves. Just project your personal neuroses onto
society as a whole, and suddenly everything makes sense! It’s not your fault,
it’s the traditional family you grew up in. It’s the patriarchy. It’s feminism.
It’s capitalism. It’s Islam. It’s heteronormativity. It’s the carnivorous
culture. It’s the society of the spectacle. No matter what your personal pet
peeves, you can find an abstract model of society that blames every possible
problem on something you don’t like.
And you won’t feel
all alone in the universe anymore, because you’ll have plenty of similarly
screwed-up people to agree with you while you work on your master plan and
reinforce each other’s biases. You don’t even have to do anything or come up with any real solutions to the very real,
complex problems you’ve abstracted and dogmatized to the point of meaninglessness; after all,
if you actually solved the problem
and found out that achieving your goal didn’t make you happy, then where would
you be?
7) Work Out Your Problems; or, Engage With the
World and Trust That it’s a Good Place
This is hard,
takes constant effort and a willingness to admit mistakes, and involves a
conscious decision to believe that other people are just as complex as you and
are generally more understanding than not: not recommended. (I mean, who wants
to do anything hard?)
Well, good luck everyone, and just remember: we're all against you, and we're hiding behind every street corner.
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