Doctor, Help! My Arm is Trying to Strangle Me!

Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Help me! Help me, I need help!

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

P: My arm keeps trying to strangle me.

D: Are you sure? Your arms seem quite well-behaved at the moment.

P: Oh, just you wait, it’s being good because it knows you’re watching, but the moment you turn your back it’ll be at my throat—literally!

D: That sounds most unusual. Which arm was this?

P: Uhm… pardon?

D: Well, was it the left or the right?

P: Oh, I got it. The left, then.

D: Okay, so your left arm is trying—

P: No, it’s the right arm! Or maybe it really is the left one. Which arm is this? (Holds up an arm.)

D: That’s your right arm.

P: Okay, it’s the right arm then. I’m pretty sure it’s trying to kill me.

D: What’s your arm been doing that makes you think it’s trying to kill you?

P: Well, I keep waking up in the middle of the night with that arm holding my pillow up to my face and the hand squeezing my throat so tight I can’t breathe. At least, that’s how it started. At first I just thought I was having nightmares or something.

D: And what happened after that?

P: After a week or two, it started to act all on its own, like even when I wasn’t asleep. I would sit down to eat, but as soon as I’d pick up my knife or fork the hand would take over and start trying to stab my eyes out. I always managed to fight it off with my other hand, or at least dodge it till it gave up.

D: Are you sure that—

P: It would only act out when I was alone, at first, and even now it’s pretty well behaved when other people are around. But there was this time when I was at the library typing at my laptop, and all of the sudden my hand took over and started typing, “You can’t hold out forever. I’ll get you once you let your guard down,” over and over, all the way down the page.

D: Come on now, things like that don’t really happen, you’re making all of this up. For one thing, it would take both hands to type that!

P: Well, usually, sure. But it’s got a mind of its own, and it kept batting my other hand out of the way when I tried to delete what it typed. It doesn’t like me very much, you know, and it’s pretty well determined to get rid of me.

D: But this is ridiculous! Arms don’t think for themselves and decide to strangle their owners. Just look, that arm hasn’t budged since you came in here, hasn’t even so much as twitched.

P: I told you, it’s clever. It only acts out when there’s nobody watching. That’s why I’ve been trying to keep in public, where it won’t try to get me.

D: So, what are you saying, should I go over into the next room so we can see if it makes a move?

P: Yes!

D: Well, it’s not standard practice. But I’d just love to discover a new disease to name after myself, so… (Turns to leave.)

P: Wait, no! Don’t leave me, please! It’ll get me if you leave!

D: Must you dramatize everything? This is a doctor’s office, after all. We try very much to stay serious and keep things on an even keel here, and I don’t much appreciate your histrionics.

P: But don’t you understand, I can’t be alone! It’ll get me, it’ll kill me as soon as I’m alone! I don’t wanna die, but it wants me dead. It wants me dead so badly I can feel it creeping in my blood, all hot and angry and… and strangle-y! It, it hates me! You can’t let it get me, you just can’t, it wouldn’t be human. You swore an oath, didn’t you?

D: Well, sure, if you want to call it that. But listen, I’m only going to be in the next room, and you can call for help as soon as you need me.

P: … Promise?

D: Oh, you’re such a… You know what? Yes, I promise.

P: Okay then. You can go now, I’m ready.

D: I’ll be right over there if you need me. (Leaves.)

P: Well, here we are then. Here I am, just sitting in this room. Everything’s okay, everything’s absolutely fine, no need to panic, nothing to be afraid of. I’ll just keep sitting in here and nothing’s gonna go wrong, nothing bad’s gonna happen at all. (Holds up right hand.)

Hand: You don’t expect me to fall for this trick, do you?

P: What trick? Nobody’s trying to trick anybody here, not that I know of, at least.

H: Don’t try to pull anything over on me, I heard what you were saying to the doctor. What, you think I’m stupid or something?

P: Of course not! I mean, I know you’re clever. You think I’d be here in the first place if I didn’t think you were clever?

H: Well, since you put it that way… I mean, I won’t deny I’m kind of flattered by the whole thing, but you have to admit you’re not putting on a very good show for the doctor out there. You keep making the most extraordinary claims, but you can’t back any of them up. Kinda leaves you looking pretty stupid, you know?

P: Yeah, I know… I mean, no, you’re wrong! And I’ll prove you’re wrong too, somehow.

H: I’m waiting.

P: Oh, why do you hate me so much? Why do you keep trying to get in my way?

H: Because you like it.

P: I? Like it? No, no, no, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. There’s nobody in the world who likes blocking their own plans.

H: If you say so… I’m gonna go to sleep now. If you like, you can go ahead and tell the doctor I didn’t show up.

P: Sounds like a plan.

H: See you later. Watch out for your pillow…

P: (Laughs awkwardly.) Will do. (Drops right hand.) Doctor?

D: (Enters.) So, how are things going in here?

P: Well, my hand showed up and we had a little chat. It decided it didn’t want to show up in front of you… didn’t wanna blow its cover, you know?

D: So as far as you can tell, there’s nothing wrong with you at all?

P: I guess not. At least nothing I can prove. I’d like to be sick, though, I’d really like to be sick. I keep trying to be sick, but I’ve just got this downright pathological good health!

D: Just get out of my office and quit wasting my time.

P: I’ll do that! I’ll do that, and you know what else I’m gonna do?

D: What’s that?

P: I’ll be back with hard evidence! I’ll prove it to you that my hand is conspiring against me!

D: I’ll be waiting.

Hand: Buh-bye, Doc!

D: What was that?

P: What was what?

D: Oh, nothing. Goodbye, then.