How to Identify Various Types of Things

If it looks like a gnome

and talks like a gnome,

it’s probably a hallucination.

If it spins a web

and has eight legs,

it’s probably a spider.

If it flops about

and gets caught in a net,

it’s probably a fish.

If it tells you work somewhere you don’t want to work

so you can live somewhere you don’t want to live,

it’s probably an economy.

If it’s out of ideas

but keeps posting anyways,

it’s probably a blogger.

If it knocks on your door

and gives you a pizza,

it’s probably a pizza delivery man.

If it asks for your money

and tells you to be in a certain place at a certain time,

it’s probably a religion.

If it’s always on the way,

but never gets here,

it’s probably tomorrow.

If it’s got an exhibitionist streak

but is also cripplingly shy,

it’s probably a writer.

If it’s full of little green men

and it’s hovering over your house,

it’s probably an alien spacecraft.

If it takes your money, tells you what to do,

and can put you in jail if it wants to,

it’s probably a government.

If nobody understands it,

but it’s all anybody ever talks about,

it’s probably life.

If it’s a person

even though it’s not a person,

it’s probably a corporation.

If nobody talks about it,

even though everybody knows about it,

it’s probably a terrible secret.

If it sells you pills

when you tell it about your problems,

it’s probably a drug dealer (or a psychiatrist).

If it barks excitedly when you get home,

but it’s not a dog,

it’s probably a crazy person.

If it wears black-framed glasses

and tells you about how it hates hipsters,

it’s probably a hipster.

If it makes you feel bad about yourself

even when you do everything it says,

it’s probably an ethical system.

If it comes out of somebody’s mouth

and doesn’t make any sense,

it’s probably a language.

If it’s always confused

and doesn’t know what it’s doing here,

it’s probably a person.