That Thing You're Not Afraid of Because You Haven't Heard About it Yet

                If you don’t know about That Thing You’re Not Afraid of Because You Haven’t Heard About it Yet, then it’s probably already too late for you and you might as well give up. How did you ever let yourself get so far out of the loop? Everybody else has known about it for months, and they’re always laughing at you behind your back because you’re so clueless, but also because they feel a little bit sorry for you. I tried to stick up for you at first, tried to let them know that you’ve got a lot on your plate right now and besides we’ve all had off years, or decades…

                I really tried, I did. I’d tell them that you “haven’t been the same since the old skydiving accident” or you “were dropped on the head as a child.” If they laughed when I said it I don’t think there’s any way you could blame me for that, I mean it’s definitely not like I said it in a funny voice or waved my arms around and gave a comical little scream and a splat. Nobody makes fun of your skydiving accident, I promise. Just because you froze up at the sight of the world rising up at you and ended up totally forgetting to pull the ripcord, it doesn’t mean that we think any less of you as a human being or laugh at you behind your back.

                Well, I mean we do laugh at you behind your back, but not for that, you see.

                But seriously, friend, you ought to know about That Thing You’re Not Afraid of Because You Haven’t Heard About it Yet by now. I mean, haven’t you wondered what all those military checkpoints and roadblocks are doing everywhere around town? Now, I know, you don’t have to remind me that your eyesight isn’t what it used to be, but when the whole city goes over to martial law and the Commander in Chief imposes a 9:30 curfew… well, most people notice these kind of things! (Oh, by the way, I heard things are improving and if everything goes well they’ll be able to take the city out of quarantine within the next couple months. It’s just a rumor of course, and I can’t tell you where I heard it, but I’m pretty sure it’s true, really I am.)

                Believe me, I understand if you’ve been busy with your work, and maybe you’re right that having to show your ID to a Sergeant with an M-16 at every street corner isn’t that much different from the old streetlights from back in the Electric days, but doesn’t a citizen of our great Republic have a civic duty to keep abreast of public affairs? Now, I know, I know, you don’t trust any of the news outlets. But don’t you see that it’s not really about actually knowing what’s going on in the world at all? If you wanted to find “the Truth of the Matter” or “a disinterested form of communication,” you really should have been born an angel, because those things don’t exist in the human world. The point—and I hope you realize how embarrassing it is to have to explain this—of keeping up with current events is just to let other people know that you’re the kind of person who keeps up with current events. The news outlets try to make it easy for you too, you don’t have to do any of that nasty thinking at all—I know how much you hate thinking about anything. They’ll give you the basic facts, and then they’re kind enough to tell you what you should think about them and what you should say to those people who follow the other party’s stories. And that is what we call political discourse.

                And it’s no fair not voting on Election Day and then complaining about government policy. Don’t bring in that whole line about “But I don’t want Limp Dishrag Sock Puppet or Rabid Dog Sock Puppet to get into office,” we’ve talked about this a million times. The Sock Puppet family has been a cornerstone of our Freedom and Democracy for over a hundred and fifty years, so just hush your mouth and vote for the one who seems least likely to get the world blown up in the next few years. Don’t you dare feed me the one about “Anybody who wants political power by definition is going to misuse that power, so at least by not involving myself in the process I can keep my hands clean in my own eyes because I haven’t become complicit in it.” Don’t you realize that your disgust at the system is already part of the system, and that candidates depend on voter suppression to get into office? They’ve already got their hands on you from the beginning—you realize that, don’t you? Your very attempt to opt out is already a way of opting in. There’s no such thing as unpolitical these days.

                What, did you really think you were clever enough to beat them at their own game? They’ve been doing it for thousands of years, and they’ve beaten minds far sharper than yours in the process. Let’s be honest with each other, for once: did you really think you would make it out, did you really think you could make it out? It’s not a perfect system, not yet… the light still shines through a few cracks, bright, warm, inviting—but the cracks get smaller every day. (There are, of course, false lights set up to only look like the real thing. They’re certainly not above building a trap.)

                Why do you keep resisting? It’s hopeless. We have work to do.

                So stay informed, and don’t worry about the truth. Get involved. Express opinions—they can even be yours, sometimes. Experience the world. Don’t take life so seriously. Try not to get attached to anything or anyone. Conform. Enjoy. Be free.

                That’s all being a good citizen means. Is that really so hard?

                Oh, by the way, you should really volunteer for burial detail, we’ve just got so many of the dearly departed these days and I’ve heard that only one in ten gravediggers gets infected—which really isn’t that much of a risk to take for the sake of serving the community, now is it?