Best Things About Being Rich

The sixth best thing about being rich
would be going on about how I'm
"A self-made man."
All those human worms would think I was judging them,
when really it's just that I don't care about them.
I'd talk about the virtues of hard work,
and self-discipline, and planning,
and chuckle to myself while their eyes glazed over.
It would be so gratifying.

The fifth best thing about being rich
would be having everyone automatically agree with me.
Everybody would suck up to me,
and I'd just spit in their faces.
I'd say stupid stuff
just because I would know everybody who agreed
was a worthless spineless limpwrist prick.
I'd hate and respect whoever disagrees with me.
That would be the fifth best thing.

The fourth best thing about being rich
would be talking extremely loudly
about all my rich person problems.
I'd talk so loudly and so insensitively
that some people would say, "He really doesn't know
how much of an asshole he's being."
But I'd know,
and I'd make them wish they had my problems.
That would make going out in public at least semi-enjoyable.

The third best thing about being rich
would be giving embarrassingly extravagant gifts.
I'd start my own TV show
just so I could give a free brand new car
to everyone in my studio audience.
I'd just love to see them squirm at that.
They could never pay me back,
and they'll secretly resent me all their lives.
That would be delicious.

The second best thing about being rich
would be all the women I could mistreat.
I'd have like, three of them all at once,
but as soon as I got them in my bed
I'd get so nervous I'd start crying.
But they wouldn't laugh at me,
because I was rich,
and I'd hate them for being nice to me.
And that would be the second best thing.

The best thing about being rich
would be having a chauffeur.
Because I hate driving.
I hate cars, and pretty much everything
that moves faster than I can run.
I'm not sure how many cars I would have,
but I wouldn't drive them,
and I'd really only have them to show off to women.
God, I hate cars.

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(Photo credit: "Money, Cars, Girls" from Johnny Silvercloud on Flickr)