Why I Want to Run A Megachurch

Sometimes I think I'd like to be a minister
and run a megachurch.
They make damn good money
and get to make a speech once a week
about how the people who give them the money
are a bunch of thieves, and scoundrels, and hypocrites.
Talk about a sweet gig!
Think about it: you literally get to ride around in a limo
and make piles of dough
for calling people disgusting sinners
who are all personally to blame
for the death of the Son of God,
the most super-holy and pure being that's ever been.

I can't imagine anything better
than being paid to verbally abuse people.
It's even better than getting paid to do nothing.
And all the women, oh Lord have mercy!
My poor long-suffering trophy wife
could indulge the hell out of that victimization complex she's got.
Don't get me wrong, oh sweet Jesus,
I'd try to be good.
I just couldn't resist the temptation
of all these guilt-ridden, deeply repressed,
emotionally scarred women
all coming... to seek the good Lord's sweet-sweet forgiveness.

(And it wouldn't all be hypocritical, you know.
I really, really would feel guilty about my infidelity,
not to mention the whole
"faking belief in God for personal gain" thing.
But I wouldn't be able to resist.
The temptation would weigh on me,
and the massive guilt would be part of the draw.
Besides, you know the old saying:
"The worst part of being single is that there's no one to cheat on.")

I mean, I really don't understand
those asshole scientists like Richard Dawkins,
always trying to bash religion and junk.
You'd think a man who wrote a book called The Selfish Gene
would understand what a fucking sweet gig
all these ministers have.
He's probably just jealous
because he went through all the effort
of getting a PhD in biology
when he could have gone to seminary
and propagated his selfish genes a lot more efficiently.

Not that bashing religion isn't also a sweet gig,
especially when you do it in a really dogmatic way.
People are dumb enough to believe anything,
especially if you sound confident when you say it
and always let them feel like they're in on the joke.
I mean, honestly, the idea that God doesn't exist
and that we all just came out of nothing
is just as laughable as the old "invisible man" sky-God
with his flowing beard, you know?
It's just a question of belief.
Which mostly means it's a question of which belief pays better!

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(Photo credit: "megachurch_bus" from genebrooks on Flickr)